ugh...i don't even know what to say...my head is pounding my body's shaking. I'm tired of all this bull shit. i don't know what to do, I've tried talking but that always leads to arguments and fighting. i don't want to fight anymore. i never wanted to fight in the first place. did you know that last year i used to cut myself? yeah well i did..(no one knows the whole truth behind that, some people would say i was doing it for attention, that's why i never told anyone before) but that's besides the point, the point is i used to and you are the only thing that is keeping me from doing it again. do you have any idea what its like to want to cause yourself pain just to feel better? sadly its one of the greatest feelings in the world. but their is something else that feels better, and that's love. and you sure as hell haven't shown it much lately. I've been trying to better myself, but its hard when you wont work with me...
i love you so much and honestly i don't think you know how much that is. and its much more than the sex. if it were up to me there would be no sex, its just fun. but why it is that when we go a long time with out having sex we get mad at each other easier and more often? please explain that to me. because the way i see it is that it is starting to become more a physical and sexual relationship...and i don't want that. i don't know what else to say, I'm tired and i need to lay down now..
look I'm not saying that i don't want to be with you or that i think we need a break, cuz its not what I'm saying. i know everything I've said is jumbled up and doesn't make sense but i need to get things off my chest. i doubt you will ever read this but whatever, it doesn't matter. the reason I'm telling you this via blogger is cuz i don't know how else to say it but in words, and although I'm directing this to you, I'm not at the same time, if that makes sense. i want us to be the way we were. i want us back. i miss those days so much. I'm hoping it will only be like this while I'm grounded and once i get ungrounded we will have us back.