10 month 2 weeks and 1 day

So I figured out what I'm getting him for Christmas! I'm so excited :) I just know he is going to love it, he is always talking about it. I still need to order it via Amazon.com and that will take 5-8 business days, so I need to do that right when I get home today. I definitely want to give it to him before I leave for Christmas, so next friday when I have my Christmas with my mom. I'm going to miss him so much over the break, but we've been apart for a longer time period. If we can handle 2 months, im sure these 2 weeks will be nothing.
     I bet you're wondering why its titled 10 month 2 weeks and 1 day. Well its been 10 month 2 weeks and 1 day since he asked me out back on that January night. :) 1.22.10
     Oh and incase anyone was wondering (which I doubt) I did not make the show. Sad, yes I know. But hey whatever, I dont care.

H&B::F&A
taylorbam:)

why??

have you ever had the feeling where something is yours and you love it so much you want to share it? and once you share you wish you didnt? well i shared something i love. and now i want it back. i want it all to myself. i dont want to be a bitch, i want you to make it, but i still want to be better than you. is that bad? im secretly scared that you will do better than me and i dont want that. its not that i want to do better than you (well actually, yes i do) but i want to be on the same level. ive been doing it longer and i dont want you to pass me up and take it away from me. well i guess we will find out today what happens...break a leg

i feel its time for me to post something..

ugh...i don't even know what to say...my head is pounding my body's shaking. I'm tired of all this bull shit. i don't know what to do, I've tried talking but that always leads to arguments and fighting. i don't want to fight anymore. i never wanted to fight in the first place. did you know that last year i used to cut myself? yeah well i did..(no one knows the whole truth behind that, some people would say i was doing it for attention, that's why i never told anyone before) but that's besides the point, the point is i used to and you are the only thing that is keeping me from doing it again. do you have any idea what its like to want to cause yourself pain just to feel better? sadly its one of the greatest feelings in the world. but their is something else that feels better, and that's love. and you sure as hell haven't shown it much lately. I've been trying to better myself, but its hard when you wont work with me...

i love you so much and honestly i don't think you know how much that is. and its much more than the sex. if it were up to me there would be no sex, its just fun. but why it is that when we go a long time with out having sex we get mad at each other easier and more often? please explain that to me. because the way i see it is that it is starting to become more a physical and sexual relationship...and i don't want that. i don't know what else to say, I'm tired and i need to lay down now..

look I'm not saying that i don't want to be with you or that i think we need a break, cuz its not what I'm saying. i know everything I've said is jumbled up and doesn't make sense but i need to get things off my chest. i doubt you will ever read this but whatever, it doesn't matter. the reason I'm telling you this via blogger is cuz i don't know how else to say it but in words, and although I'm directing this to you, I'm not at the same time, if that makes sense. i want us to be the way we were. i want us back. i miss those days so much. I'm hoping it will only be like this while I'm grounded and once i get ungrounded we will have us back.